the real shit.

so honestly everyone been askin 'where chelsey been?' & seriously i been goin through some thangs lately. and at times i feeel like i can only handle them on my own. and sometimes i feel that it isn't possible. to some it may come to as a shock like chelsey got feelins? or she gives a fuck? and i just recently came to the idea that sayin i don't care changes nothing because at the end of the day i still feel the way i do. i've made a lot of mistakes that i realllly really wish i could take back. i really wish i woulda thought about some of the decisions a million times before i made them, but i didn't. which is why i'm at where i'm at. i've been so emotional & depressed lately over things that shouldn't even get me this way. but as some of you may know i am a complex thinker and i think way tooo much. i over analyze things and make things bigger then they are at times. sometimes i pretend things aren't there to make myself feel better.. i've been getting better at being honest with myself, no matter how much it may hurt. i feel so alone at times, like no one understands chelsey but chelsey. and like no one can fix things for me. like i fucked everything up. even the things that aren't even my fault, i feel like they are. i used to not want people to think i was an emotional, depressed, insecure bitch but honestly i don't give a fuck anymore. this is how i feel & it is what it is. some of you may be thinking. she's 14, what kind of problems does she have? shit, i've thought the same at times but the fact of it all is I DO HAVE PROBLEMS no matter what age i am. and the world & life, ITS REAL SHIT. it really just hit me. ITS REAL. more real than anything. and i wish i just understood this more early on. i wouldn't have so many regrets now. and i can't go on pretending things aren't there because i'll just be adding on to my lies and i can't keep over analyzing everything because it'll make me more miserable. i'm about to be soooo real on this blog it's crazy. i never showed anyone this "weak" side of me before. but this is serious. and i don't care how anyone feels on this. i used to be soooo happpppy. and then one day i have no idea what happend. i started feeling like i fucked up and i couldn't take things back. and i started thinking that someone else's actions were my fault and that whatever happend to me was my fault. when it truly wasn't. and now that i know that it makes me feel a little better. but that's not where it ends, i only wish. then i started getting pressured into doing things. things i knew were wrong but only did them because at the time they seemed like the only thing i could do. like if i didn't do them then certain people wouldn't be koo wit me. and honestly, i wish i woulda thought about it harder. who gives a fuck. they don't like me, so what? but noooo, at the moment i had to be weak. and i think that's what gets to me the most. the fact that i was weak... that's so hard for me to admit. i think so much to the point where i can't fall asleep until the morning and i'm so unfocused at school. my head is reallly fuckin wit me. i'm not loookin for no handouts i just needed to write this to help myself feel better. and it worked a little.