growing up . .

again, i have neglected this blog thing . . but anyways i promise to keep up with this & my twitter . . let's see . . the subject of this blog is growing up, my oh my ! to be honest with myself lately i have had my childish moments and are currently not handling my anger the way i should. it's just now hitting me that i cain't change the way people feel about me. i mean i always knew that i couldn't but it's REALLY hitting me you know ? i've decided to get over & let go of everything that gives me that "MAN WTFUCK!" attitude... you know, the things you be trippin off of and you really shouldn't be. now anyone who knows me knows that it ain't easy for me to make an apology & mean it.. & if i could i'd apologize to a long asss list of people. but i can't. and that's why things are the way they are. i almost thought about doin it... but seriously it may be "the right thing to do" and what not. but not everyone is mature enough o accept things like that. not sayin that i'm the most mature person. but i can say i'm mature enough to know some things in life ain't worth it. i'm glad i can understand that now, there people out there that still don't get it. and i'm not saying i'm completely there either because there are time when i loose my cool and do messy shit i know i shouldn't or say that extra thing i know can escalate the whole situation or even hurt someone so bad on purpose just to get back at them or because at that moment in time i feel its the right thing to do. and some of the people who know me reading this might be like WTFUCK. but seriously, when i say nobody really know me, i swear i mean it. how many of you can honestly say you knew i thoguht about these things? no one. all everyone understands is my anger or my temper or my mistakes. and at the end of the day I CAN'T CONTROL THAT. which is what i think REALLY, TRULY gets to me. the fact that i can't control these situations. that's one thing i'm gonna hve to let go of. another thing, is lately i've been letting other people and things get in the way of my focus and my happiness and that's where i fucked up. feedin into bullshit and drama. period. & it ain't no more to it. i fucked up & gotta accept it. but i wannnna start fressssh.... i'm tiiiired. real shit. so yaw could do what you do. & i guess that's itttt...

if it's not one thing, it's another. . .

so i am horrible about keepin up with this blog . . . let's see . . i got out of that lil depression i was in! and it was a lil point where i was ultra happy . . ahaaa . . but of course i have a problem again . . & i'ma just come out right with it. the other day my boyfriend broke up with me. okay just wait. i know alot of you is like yeah okay! another middle school relationship blah blah, and shit i don't know maybe that's the case? i'm so confused now a days i really just don't know anymore. it's gonna be our year on Saturday. and let me tell you i never been so heart broken ever in my life. . last time i cried this much was when my cousin died. and that really don't make me a weak bitch so don't take it like that. it just mean i got feelins . . and so I'm mad because most of the reason he broke up with me was helllla messy and he said she said. that really irritates me. i never gave a fuck what anyone had to say about me unless it had ta do wit me & him. the crazy thing is how messy everyone really is and how small the world is. people really can twist a person's words. and myspace, aim, this . . it can all be twisted too . . and some people are foul enough ta believe the fuck niggas & bitches. and I'm not gonna blame it all on them people cuz it was my fault too. . it's kind of like i let him slip away, and that's where i fucked up. for that, yea I'm sorry. . but having friends that's niggas? hell no, I'm not sorry for that and never will be. I'm not tryna be a bitch about this but seriously... look into it more.. they friends, you my boyfriend . . at the end of the day you still gon be my boyfriend & they gon still be friends... and if you didn't trust me, why did you tell me so? maybe then i wouldn't have been so open about my niggas. but all in the same, you got a reason i guess. and you still feel how you feel. i really wish you didn't and at least gave me a chance to talk, but it's good. this is how this thing goes right? I'ma always love my first & only love . . . & maybe next time we cud du it rite . . .

so let me address this messyness. . oh my oh my . . it's crazy how ignorant people are. . and the only reason i can talk about this now is because that's who i was not so long ago. so quick & ready to jump on a bitch because of somethin i heard or because everyone else was hypin me up. and yall could take it as a follower or whatever you like, i just know i'm not worried because that isn't me no moe. it really irritates me how someone cud be so koo wit you one day and just switch on you da next just cuz someone else don't like me. that is oh so phony. especially after you done been there fa the person & everything. but i guess everyone gotta go through this rite? i just wish it would all end. shit. or at least peple would grow the fuck up fareal. i mean if i can do it you can. so just know, that i don't fight over bullshit. this lil messy shit is unnecessary and believe if the shit you HEARD was true, i woulda BEEN backed it up. but I'm not on no lil elementary shit that yall is on, SIMPLE AS THAT. so fareal stop callin ma house wit dat shit. and run yo mouth about me alll you want, tell ma boyfriend (ex wateva you wana call it, im still wife doe ask him, he'll tell you) bout ma aways, shit add me on myspace so you could check up on dat too. lil messy ass boys. get on ma last nerve. I'm like i could give a fuck, check lil cece owt GROWIN UP. it ain't that hard, yall should try it. i must say, it was hard fa me not ta be like bitch come see me den, but i wud of looked just as ignorant as her. and I'm a classsy lady, let that be known. now aren't yall proud of how much I've grown in the past year?

i wanna get away from all of this .... this whole place.... i wish i had DOE so i cud just go ta Hawaii fa a week and I'd be smoove.... this is alll so much.... but it's what makes people who they are right? so let me just get through this....

the real shit.

so honestly everyone been askin 'where chelsey been?' & seriously i been goin through some thangs lately. and at times i feeel like i can only handle them on my own. and sometimes i feel that it isn't possible. to some it may come to as a shock like chelsey got feelins? or she gives a fuck? and i just recently came to the idea that sayin i don't care changes nothing because at the end of the day i still feel the way i do. i've made a lot of mistakes that i realllly really wish i could take back. i really wish i woulda thought about some of the decisions a million times before i made them, but i didn't. which is why i'm at where i'm at. i've been so emotional & depressed lately over things that shouldn't even get me this way. but as some of you may know i am a complex thinker and i think way tooo much. i over analyze things and make things bigger then they are at times. sometimes i pretend things aren't there to make myself feel better.. i've been getting better at being honest with myself, no matter how much it may hurt. i feel so alone at times, like no one understands chelsey but chelsey. and like no one can fix things for me. like i fucked everything up. even the things that aren't even my fault, i feel like they are. i used to not want people to think i was an emotional, depressed, insecure bitch but honestly i don't give a fuck anymore. this is how i feel & it is what it is. some of you may be thinking. she's 14, what kind of problems does she have? shit, i've thought the same at times but the fact of it all is I DO HAVE PROBLEMS no matter what age i am. and the world & life, ITS REAL SHIT. it really just hit me. ITS REAL. more real than anything. and i wish i just understood this more early on. i wouldn't have so many regrets now. and i can't go on pretending things aren't there because i'll just be adding on to my lies and i can't keep over analyzing everything because it'll make me more miserable. i'm about to be soooo real on this blog it's crazy. i never showed anyone this "weak" side of me before. but this is serious. and i don't care how anyone feels on this. i used to be soooo happpppy. and then one day i have no idea what happend. i started feeling like i fucked up and i couldn't take things back. and i started thinking that someone else's actions were my fault and that whatever happend to me was my fault. when it truly wasn't. and now that i know that it makes me feel a little better. but that's not where it ends, i only wish. then i started getting pressured into doing things. things i knew were wrong but only did them because at the time they seemed like the only thing i could do. like if i didn't do them then certain people wouldn't be koo wit me. and honestly, i wish i woulda thought about it harder. who gives a fuck. they don't like me, so what? but noooo, at the moment i had to be weak. and i think that's what gets to me the most. the fact that i was weak... that's so hard for me to admit. i think so much to the point where i can't fall asleep until the morning and i'm so unfocused at school. my head is reallly fuckin wit me. i'm not loookin for no handouts i just needed to write this to help myself feel better. and it worked a little.

my baaad . .

omg im the worst blogger ever. lol. this is like my third one. im gon try my best to keep this one and keep it updated. follow me!
♥ badasz.